Although most of us seem to choose to be in a relationship over being single, being in a relationship can be very challenging.  I’ll share with you a few ideas that often come up in my work as a couple’s counsellor, but remember – they can also work between family members or close friends.

I not You, try to communicate from the position of ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. This might mean saying something like ‘I need to feel more heard’ instead of ‘You never listen’. 

Feelings sometimes lie, remembering this can help defuse unpleasant feelings before they overwhelm you. For example, just because someone is terrified of spiders doesn’t mean that they are in real danger. This sometimes holds true in relationships, just because you’re feeling criticized and unloved doesn’t always mean it’s true. Try to identify the need behind the feeling and share this need with your partner, such as to be understood, to be comforted etc. 

Talk when you don’t need to, discussing problems constructively as they are actually happening is really tough. The arguments will be familiar to both of you as old patterns tend to come back to haunt us, especially when we are drained or stressed. Put some time aside to discuss regular areas of difficulty when you are feeling warm and kind towards each other.

© Robert Goodman, goodmancounselling.co.uk